Domestic Abuse is Taboo, and I cannot be silent any longer

I wrote this article 6 years ago, in a way to try and process what happened to me while possibly opening someone’s eyes who may be in danger of the same thing I went through.

I never published it because, well – it felt devalued. More often than not I am met with a sense of “shrug it off, no one wants to hear the details…, well it’s over know you leanred…, you did this to yourself…” kind of responses. Never really talk about it much.

Also, I think I was still afraid.

Well, if you are a victim of a psychopath and feel as though you can’t escape. I promise you: you can – and you don’t deserves this suffering you’re going through.

This is not your fault. 

And you can live without this person. 

Actually the reality is, if you stay with this person you might die.

So please, I am writing this finally to hopefully help someone out of possibly the most traumatic thing that’s ever happened in their life. This is not limitid to romantic relationships, it includes any and all relationships by blood or choice. This is just my personal story.

Please seek help if you are in ANY kind of abusive relationship.

April 23rd 2015:

I will not stay at the Red Roof Inn anywhere, anymore. My reasoning – is like one of those songs that forever and always sings of love you can’t forget and don’t want to remember. Its kind of like that, but less a poetic and more of a traumatic event capable of triggering PTSD sort of thing.

Three years ago, in mid-March, I was a victim of a serious domestic abuse attack in my car, and it carried over into a hotel room at a Red Roof somewhere in Ohio.

I would like to stop now, and state very clear:

This is not a attempt at sympathy, nor is it an attack on my attacker.

What I’m telling you is an honest rehash of what happened to me and my opinion on a serious problem that is very seldom spoken of, but ever so present in our society. Not only do most people not realize how common abuse is around them, most women don’t even realize they are in a domestic abuse cycle when its happening to them. I know that I had no idea, as ridiculous as that sounds in retrospect. It started happening very slowly and then became increasingly, extremely violent over time.

Each and every situation of abuse is different. No matter the circumstances – always – in any case. . . it is completely unjustified and cruel.

When I do speak of what happened to me to another woman, she almost always responds with a way to relate either through her own personal experience with an abusive relationship or she has been witness to a friend or relative who has endured these all too common attacks on women and children.

This does not mean women are not abusive also, abuse can be from anyone.

Up until March of 2012, I had been dating someone since August of the previous year, who I had met out far from home. He had many friends who adored him. He seemed to be a decent, sweet and loving person, and we liked all the same things. Slowly though, he started doing things that were slightly rude, and never really showing remorse as if I had done something wrong and to deserve his reaction. He would call me dumb and stupid for no real reason, getting very upset with me over, well, I really didn’t know what. When we had our first “argument,” he threw a chair at me and bloodied my big toe. This doesn’t seem so crazy or violent, but it was just a starting point. He started to push me to see how much I would put up with. Unfortunately for myself, I put up with a lot of shit. So over the next few months, things would happen i.e.; he would spit in my face, throw my possessions around, break my windshield, repeatedly smash my head against inside of the car door, etc. etc. Now, I know what you are thinking “Why would you stay?”, and I agree with you. Well, because, I was “in love” and didn’t understand that what was happening to me was the cycle of domestic violence progressing. I had never taken a psychology class and had no knowledge about psychopaths or the like. I just thought he got mad sometimes. I was a part of a cycle and it sucked me up in before I could really see what what going on.

The abuser will more often than not, find a way to blame the victim for violence inflicted on them, seeming as though they deserve the suffering for one reason or another. It was something I had done from which there was no reprieve, a tone in which I had spoken to him or a look I gave that caused my boyfriend to act that way. In his mind, I was the cause for the uncontrollable anger and the physical/emotional attack on me was the effect of my heinous wrong doings.

This is how you get stuck: you accept the blame placed on you. All of these personal attacks on your mind, body and soul start to erode your self-confidence. The abusers actions take away your thriving glow that makes you as a human bright, energetic and powerful. Leading to depression, guilt and a never ending cycle of emotional & physical pain.

Please, if this resonating with you know this:

You do not deserve any sort of abuse, period. It’s easy to push it aside and keep going; it is very, very hard to leave. I cannot imagine having children involved.

But it is worth the happiness and security you will receive from re-empowering yourself.

No matter the case, no matter what you said or did. You are not to blame, and you cannot change him. You are an amazing person with so much potential, and if you stay you can never escape the cycle of abuse. It just keeps going.

As we got in the car outside our room the Red Roof to go grab dinner after a night of partying, he started to bicker that my driver seat had been pushed all the way back the night before when he went to the car to do something, and because of this “evidence” he was convinced I had cheated on him { [which I had not. . . but even if it had cheated on him, the following is still not warranted } Since he “knew” (claiming he was psychic) that something had happened, it got really bad, really fast. He jerked the car into reverse, and began yelling and being hateful. I believe he said “Oh you wanna go? Lets go” in a malicious tone with a dark, hate filled eyes. He started thrashing the car around, as well myself inside of the car. He was screaming and spitting and smashing my skull from the left (he was driving) to the door where the seatbelt meets the car to the right of my head. He pulled my hair out, and he ripped my clothes. One of my favorite shirts. He called me horrible, evil things.

And then he stopped at a stop sign, using his hand behind my head, he smashed my face down in between the seats of my car, my nose either hitting the gear shift or the emergency brake, and I came up gushing blood from my right nostril. He had broken my nose, I knew that for sure. I think the blood scared him, and so he turned the car around and drove back to the hotel since I could not go out to dinner in my current condition. I was surely in shock, what the hell was happening?

When we got back, I went inside and got my belongings as he screamed obscene, wretched things at me. There was a man in the room to the left of ours, sitting at his desk with the door wide open. My car parked close to the door, directly in his line of sight. He saw and heard things I’m sure. I made eye contact in my broken state hoping he would see my desperate countenance, my left sleeve completely detached from the rest of my tattered blood stained shirt, but it didn’t seem to reach his consciousness. I couldn’t understand why this was happening, it was so incredibly bizarre. Why would the person who loves me, do the most horrible things to me? To this day, I just can’t understand it.

More loud and obvious altercation happened inside. Hotel neighbor never said a word to us or called the cops, like I had really hoped he would have.

They would have come and taken him away, because for some reason I couldn’t get myself away. I always wondered, why? Why wouldn’t you do something, when someone is so obviously being violated and mistreated? Why to myself as well as my apathetic hotel neighbor.

My head and sinuses were so swollen, tears were painful but I couldn’t do anything except cry. While I was collecting my things, in a whirl of accusations that are so insane, I want to just agree with them so he’ll stop yelling. But then if I had just agreed to some ill doing, what would he do then? Proabably kill me I thought, over nothing. An ashtray was thrown in my face, busted my mouth. I was so lucky that it did not break my teeth, I am forever grateful for that. He proceeded to push and hold me down on the bed while begged with tear filled eyes “please stop, please stop.” His eyes were dark, so very dark and void. And he just kept on…

I left and started to drive back to Tennessee, but my face was incredibly swollen, and he pulled the “I’m gonna kill myself, I have nothing..” card. My head and my heart so heavy, I turned the wheel against the bearing weight and went back to him anyway. I thought I loved him, and when I love, I love so much. And because, well, I really thought he might kill himself. What he had just done was one of the most awful things I could have imagined happening to me or anyone, the regret of the awful happenings could posses someone to hurt their self. 2 blacks eyes, 2 busted lips, all over bruises and a broken nose.

Man. It could have been a lot worse. This really is nothing compared to what some people put up with, for long periods of time. A very dear friend of my closest friend was killed in an altercation with her girlfriend who abused her physically. This happens more than we know.

This abuse kept happening in the months to follow. There was another black eye, more destroyed clothing, broken windows, bruises and most importantly, my light was fading. I had sunk so low into his misery and wasn’t aware of the vicious cycle that I was a part of.

But I remember seeing the domestic abuse cycle chart – and then I knew.

Someone did end up calling the cops towards the end of our relationship. They had seen him screaming at me and punch me in the abdomen in my car at a gas station nearby his parents house. Obviously people saw what was going on and did the right thing, thank goodness. I didn’t press charges, and to this day I wish I had. I was in a scene from Cops in his parents from yard. Absolutely awful.

It took a few months after this happened, but I made a plan, got my stuff and left Ohio forever.

Don’t worry about what people will think of you and the situation. Protect yourself. Leave. Take your stuff and go. Or just go, and leave your stuff, because things don’t matter. What matters is your health, your happiness, your beautiful face, your children and your life. What matters is that you are free, to do as you please because that is your right as a human being. And as long as you’re a victim to emotional and physical abuse, you will never be able to reach your full potential.

And if its not you but a friend who is going through this nonsense, don’t give up on them. Most people in these situations refuse help when offered or shy away from bringing attention to what is going on. I know I felt ashamed, I didn’t want everyone to know what had happened to me. I didn’t want my mom to see my face swollen and bruised because of someone I had chosen to love & spend my time with. I thought I could change him, this is weakness and never was going to happen.

Love is not enough to protect you, and the truth is:

Anyone who hurts you does not love you. Period.

True Love is unconditional, and under NO circumstances is there justification for someone to hurt and abuse you;

physically or emotionally.

This false notion of love will not keep him from going too far. You cannot fix him, because you fuel the fire inside of him that triggers his insanity and anger. It is a deadly combination. A therapist, lots of therapy, some medication and serious behavioral changes, and some more therapy is what he needs. But it is not your fault, and it is certainly not your problem. He has made his problems your problem. You have absorbed the guilt for his actions. There is someone else, there is someway else to live your life. Ask your friends and family for help. Everything will be alright if you get away.

If you’re scared of him coming after you if you leave, when you somewhere safe call 911 and tell them that.

Stop the cycle of domestic abuse.

Please help yourself or someone you know get out of a harmful situation. Do it now. Thank you for listening.

National Domestic Abuse Hotline : 1−800−799−SAFE or 1−800−787−3224 or (206) 518-9361 – Hotline weblink

Domestic Violence and Intimate Partner Violence : Victim Connect Website

Love is Respect : National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline : 1 (866) 331–9474 Website

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